Daughters...

Guess she does love me as much as her Daddy. When I thought I needed some money until payday, she was very quick to offer to help.
I just thought of something today. When I was a kid, I wondered why mom loved the others more than me. Lately I've been wondering why my daughter loves her dad more than me.
When kids want to know who we love more, do they stop to think that parents wonder which one THEY love more?
It isn't that we love one over the other, as parents we do anything we can for our kids. But we do show that love differently. Our confidence in each kid's ability to deal with life dictates how we show that love.
I guess as much as I tried not to treat my daughter like I felt my mother treated me, I do have more confidence in her ability to meet life on her terms. I hope I also instilled in her the knowledge that IF and WHEN she does need me, I'll be there.
I love her more than my own life.
One reason I decided to have the weight loss surgery was memories of trying to do things with her. I remember going to the zoo with her on a field trip. All she asked me for was a ride on the paddleboats. I told her momma can't swim and for a long time she thought that was why I didn't go on boats. In truth, momma was too fat to get on the boat with her. I knew if I tipped it over, because I couldn't swim, I couldn't save her if she needed me. She's been able to swim since she was 3.
We still go to the zoo. I promised her next time we go, if they are still there, I want to rent a paddle boat and we can go on the lake. I still can't swim (yet, it's on the bucket list) but I'm down to 150. I don't think I'll tip it over now. We're planning to go spend the day before it gets too hot here.
So yes, we fuss and fight, but deep down, we do love each other.

Now that son of mine....he's another blog! Boys, you got to have lots of patience for the dumb things they do. Now scientist are saying males don't mature until the frontal lobe is completely formed at 27! Lord, hear my prayer....

Daughters...continued

She felt sorry enough to come hear my short talk in church today, even if she left right after. She hugged me (in front of everyone!) and said she was proud of me! I'm really happy she and *** were there today. I think she is trying to establish a relationship with me. I just wish I weren't so afraid it will blow at any minute.
Now the son...he forgot about being invited today. Hopefully he will join me in June. He has been several times...

DAUGHTERS

She does have a heart. She texted an appology. Then the next day she called. She blamed it on being tired. I understand that. I was tired at times too. Trying to keep up with the house, keeping her fed and entertained. Sleeping in the car in a parking lot before going into work instead of my bed so she could participate in the sports she liked. How easy does she think that was during the heat and bugs and baseball games going on? And at my age. I'm an older mom with young kids.
But for her I did it. Then worked through the night. I didn't always get home in time to take her to school, but I was at school when she needed me.
Momma feels...loved when needed for something. How do you feel?

Daughters

I just can't get it right. No matter what I do or say I set her off. I am the worst mom. I feel I lost my beautiful baby girl when she was 5. It may not be as painful now if I had lost her. She "switched" to her daddy at 3. All the books said she would come back to me at 5, but she didn't. He's perfect and I'm a waste of good air space.
I carried her everywhere to keep her close to me. I was afraid to have a girl because I wasn't a girlie girl growing up. I never thought I was beautiful because no one told me I was. I told my little girl everyday how beautiful she was. How sweet, how special to me. I sang "You are my sunshine" as our song. She was my sunshine. She is smart, beautiful and has great goals for herself. I'm sure she will accomplish what she sets out to do.
Why is it my fault she can't keep up with her phone? Why is it my fault she doesn't keep it charged? I try not to bother her. I go weeks worrying about her because I haven't heard from her. I try to help her out even if I don't buy my medicine. When I was recovering from surgery, you'd think she would have at least checked in on me. I sat up all night and rocked her when she was sick. I would sleep on the floor by her bed when she got too big for me to rock if she was not feeling well. Later I would sleep in the hall outside her room just to make sure I would hear her if she needed me.
She doesn't let me finish a sentence. She gets upset if I repeat myself, though I'm just trying to make sure I have it right. Did I do my mom this way?
I wanted to have a relationship with my daughter better than the one I had with my mom. I never made her clean the house or not go anywhere. I made sure she had opportunities I didn't. I tried not to treat her like my only friend or to burden her with my worries or make her grow up to fast....
but I guess I did. There were other problems I had to deal with....
My heart hurts so much. I don't know how to reach out. I'm so tired of hurting...so tired of being hurt by all of them.
How many times can a heart shatter before the scars build walls?