Daughters...continued

She felt sorry enough to come hear my short talk in church today, even if she left right after. She hugged me (in front of everyone!) and said she was proud of me! I'm really happy she and *** were there today. I think she is trying to establish a relationship with me. I just wish I weren't so afraid it will blow at any minute.
Now the son...he forgot about being invited today. Hopefully he will join me in June. He has been several times...

DAUGHTERS

She does have a heart. She texted an appology. Then the next day she called. She blamed it on being tired. I understand that. I was tired at times too. Trying to keep up with the house, keeping her fed and entertained. Sleeping in the car in a parking lot before going into work instead of my bed so she could participate in the sports she liked. How easy does she think that was during the heat and bugs and baseball games going on? And at my age. I'm an older mom with young kids.
But for her I did it. Then worked through the night. I didn't always get home in time to take her to school, but I was at school when she needed me.
Momma feels...loved when needed for something. How do you feel?

Daughters

I just can't get it right. No matter what I do or say I set her off. I am the worst mom. I feel I lost my beautiful baby girl when she was 5. It may not be as painful now if I had lost her. She "switched" to her daddy at 3. All the books said she would come back to me at 5, but she didn't. He's perfect and I'm a waste of good air space.
I carried her everywhere to keep her close to me. I was afraid to have a girl because I wasn't a girlie girl growing up. I never thought I was beautiful because no one told me I was. I told my little girl everyday how beautiful she was. How sweet, how special to me. I sang "You are my sunshine" as our song. She was my sunshine. She is smart, beautiful and has great goals for herself. I'm sure she will accomplish what she sets out to do.
Why is it my fault she can't keep up with her phone? Why is it my fault she doesn't keep it charged? I try not to bother her. I go weeks worrying about her because I haven't heard from her. I try to help her out even if I don't buy my medicine. When I was recovering from surgery, you'd think she would have at least checked in on me. I sat up all night and rocked her when she was sick. I would sleep on the floor by her bed when she got too big for me to rock if she was not feeling well. Later I would sleep in the hall outside her room just to make sure I would hear her if she needed me.
She doesn't let me finish a sentence. She gets upset if I repeat myself, though I'm just trying to make sure I have it right. Did I do my mom this way?
I wanted to have a relationship with my daughter better than the one I had with my mom. I never made her clean the house or not go anywhere. I made sure she had opportunities I didn't. I tried not to treat her like my only friend or to burden her with my worries or make her grow up to fast....
but I guess I did. There were other problems I had to deal with....
My heart hurts so much. I don't know how to reach out. I'm so tired of hurting...so tired of being hurt by all of them.
How many times can a heart shatter before the scars build walls?